Maintaining a strong marriage can be vital to the health and success of the family. Although marital conflict often increases with life’s demands and stress, there are ways to cultivate a stronger and more resilient marriage.

Communication is the bedrock for a healthy marriage because marital conflict cannot be resolved without the proper tools to discuss and work through it. Several studies have actually cited poor communication as the main contributor to turmoil and separation in marriage.

Taking an introspective look at what needs to be fixed is essential to improving communication. In other words, bad communication and habits that thwart healthy communication need to be identified. This can often be tricky because some of these habits were created long ago and reinforced over the years. Taking an honest look into your habits and acknowledging your role in the matter is an important first step towards better communication.

A leading expert on marriage, Dr. John Gottman, lists the six most prevalent signs of bad communication in a relationship:

  • Harsh Startups (beginning a conversation with harsh words that breed negativity, criticism, and defensiveness; research shows that if a conversations begins with a harsh startup it will inevitably end on a bad note)
  • The Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling; these can sequentially enter into a relationship and be toxic)
  • Flooding (when a partner dominates the conversation with negativity to the point where it is overwhelming)
  • Body Language (body language that expresses anger or defensiveness)
  • Failed Repair Attempts (failed attempts to deescalate the tension of the disagreement and move towards a resolution)
  • Bad Memories (continually reexamining old arguments, reliving past struggles and wounds)

According to Gottman, although each of these factors alone can forecast a divorce, they usually coincide within an unhappy marriage. Some additional communication errors commonly made within a marriage are: not communicating your needs, failure to see your partner’s perspective, avoiding conflict and discounting issues, using definitive language (why do you always…never…), and using commanding language (you should…you need to).

What You Can Do

  • Choose the right time to talk: when you are both relaxed and can talk uninterrupted
  • Using the right language: adopt a relaxed and non-defensive tone; show that you are invested in the conversation by removing blame, commanding and definitive language; make specific complaints/requests (when X happened, I felt Y, I would like Z)
  • Communicate consciously: speak the unarguable truth and listen generously; it is helpful to use “I feel” statements as much as possible
  • Validate your partner: let your partner know that you understand what they are saying and feeling
  • Claim responsibility: “What is my part in this?” & “What can I do to help resolve this?”
  • Let go of your inner-script: let go of thoughts of righteousness or victimization and strive to replace them with appreciation and acceptance
  • Commit to a resolution: if a discussion gets too heated, rather than parting ways, take an agreed upon period of time to separate and then return when tensions have settled. It is helpful to acknowledge that this conversation is important but time is needed in order to regain composure and move towards a resolution.
On October 5, 2015   /   Treatment Plan