Last week we discussed the nature of shame, shame-based thinking, and how shame is formed. As was previously mentioned, it is not advised to open the wound of shame without knowing what to do with it, how to talk about it, and how to gradually and incrementally process it. So this blog is geared towards just that—putting forth some entry-level steps and ideas about processing and dealing with shame.
There’s a saying: “Don’t believe everything you think.” This is a core principle of cognitive-behavioral therapy. Instead of viewing your thoughts as absolute truths, see them as mental events to observe and evaluate. Be willing to challenge shame-based thoughts and replace them with more accurate thoughts. As explained earlier, shame-based thinking has several characteristics. It is often based on dire predictions, doubt in your coping skills, selective focus on negative aspects of events, negative explanations of others’ behavior, and rigid rules about how people should behave.
Choose a specific thought that you’d like to work with, such as I’ll never find a job or If this relationship ends, I’ll never get over it. Then challenge this thought by asking any of the following questions:
- Is this thought really true?
- How do I know it’s true?
- What is the evidence for this thought?
- What is the evidence against this thought?
- Can I think of any times when this thought has not been true?
- Is this thought helping me or hurting me?
- Who would I be if I let go of this thought?
- What could I do if I let go of this thought?
- Am I willing to release this thought?
- What’s the worst that could happen if I let go of this thought? Can I live with that?
Other approaches in dealing with shame focus directly on self-soothing or distraction techniques, such as taking a bath or engaging in pleasurable exercise. A number of authors have emphasized meditative practice and self-acceptance techniques, such as those outlined in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). More specifically, clinicians have encouraged clients to practice mindful nonjudgment. In stepping back and simply observing their thoughts and feelings, clients learn to describe internal and external experiences, “sticking to the facts” rather than engaging in shame-inducing processes of evaluation and judgment. Another key component of ACT and DBT, developing tolerance for negative affect, is also advocated.
Numerous authors on shame identify the development of self-compassion as an especially effective method for regulating shame. Compassion—for the self and for others—is an especially potent antidote for shame. Since shame-prone (i.e., self-critical) people have had little experience with compassion (from others or toward the self), it is important for it to be taught. Compassion focused therapy teaches clients to become more attentive to and accepting of their feelings and needs. One method for enhancing self-compassion is to ask the client to imagine giving advice or comfort to a real or imaginary friend who has a similar shame-inducing problem. This can be a helpful first step because people are usually much better able to forgive and comfort others than the self.
Some forms of treatment implicitly support the transformation of self-focused shame into behavior-focused guilt. (AA does this by separating their character flaws from their core selves).
More generally, therapists may find it useful to help clients reexamine cognitions about the nature of personal standards by reexamining and modifying perfectionistic standards (How flexible are they? What are the advantages and disadvantages of living according to such high standards?). This can be done by challenging excessive concerns about others’ evaluations of the self, and by examining clients’ early family experiences concerning shame and expectations.