Attachment style refers to the primary ways in which we relate to other people. They are formed at the very beginning of life, during the first two years. Once established, it becomes an enduring pattern of relating that plays out in our intimate relationships. Understanding your style of attachment is helpful because it offers you insight into ways your childhood may be emotionally limiting you as an adult. With an understanding of your attachment style, you can begin to improve your close relationships.
Mary Ainsworth revealed the various styles of attachment when studying 12-month-old infants and their mothers. When an infant is separated from their caregiver they often experience anxiety, which is reflected by the infant looking for the parent with building distress until they are reunited. Ainsworth’s observations revealed the following three attachment styles: Secure, Anxious-resistant, and Avoidant. Infants who were securely attached became distressed when separated from their mothers. When they were reunited, they were comforted and the distress subsided quickly. Securely attached infants tended to see their parent as a secure base from which they could venture out and independently explore the world. Infants who were anxious-resistant appeared to suffer greater distress when separated, and once reunited, they took longer to comfort. Infants in the avoidant group did not appear to experience much distress at all from separation with the mother. When re-introduced with the mother, the child avoided her, turning their attention to other objects in the room. It should be noted that the development of a child’s early attachment style is largely dependent on the parent’s responsiveness to their child’s signals and needs. For instance, a secure attachment usually develops from parents who are quick, sensitive, and consistent with their responding.
Research shows that, for 70-80% of people, attachment styles learned in childhood carry on into adult life. In adulthood they look more like the following:
Secure—Securely attached adults tend to more independent and comfortable within intimate relationships. They are able to create meaningful relationships that are understanding and empathic. They are able to set appropriate boundaries while respecting their own needs as well as their partners. A secure adults relationship tends to be honest, open and equal, with both partners feeling supported and loved while also maintaining their independence.
Anxious-resistant—Unlike securely attached individuals, people with an anxious attachment often feel emotional hunger, looking to their partner to rescue or complete them. In an attempt to seek a sense of safety and security in their partner, they cling to them and are often demanding and possessive. These actions can inadvertently push the partner away, which only exacerbates the anxiously attached individual’s desperate and insecure behavior. Independent actions by their partner may be interpreted as an affirmation of their fears.
Avoidant—Individuals with a dismissive avoidant attachment tend to avoid intimacy and emotional connection. They may emotionally distance themselves from their partner and isolate as a form of pseudo-independence. They may appear overly focused on themselves and have an overreliance on their creature comforts. They are often psychologically defended and shut down emotionally when their partner is distressed. Ultimately, people with a dismissive avoidant attachment tend to lead more inward lives, both denying the importance of loved ones and detaching easily from them.