Growing up in an emotionally neglectful household can take its toll and leave a legacy that is carried into adulthood. As a child, when no one sufficiently notices what you are feeling or what you need, you receive covert messages that are never stated outright, but will nevertheless guide your life going forward. These messages take root early and, as you go through adolescence, can undermine the self-confidence and self-knowledge you should be gathering. As you grow into adulthood, they can hinder you from making choices that are right for you. As you form relationships and fall in love, they prevent you from valuing yourself. You can often feel weighed down and mystified about what you are missing and why. The only way to reduce the aftereffects of this legacy is to realize how it developed and the ways in which it affects your life today. It is then that you can move into acceptance and growth beyond these limitations.
As a child, you naturally had intense feelings, as this is how most children are wired. Exuberant one moment, intensely frustrated the next, you needed someone one to teach you how to understand and manage your emotions. But what you got instead was a covert message that your emotions were either excessive or unimportant. As a result, you learned to repress your feelings rather than expressing and dealing with them effectively.
As a child, you naturally felt upset when things upset you. You naturally felt angry when you were hurt. What you needed was to have your upset feelings heard, validated, and soothed by a responsive parent so that you could eventually soothe yourself. But what you got was a message that your feelings were a sign of weakness and you subsequently learned to judge yourself for having them. The ultimate message was that you are overly sensitive.
As a child you had needs; you had things that felt important to you and things that felt good or bad. What you needed was for someone to inquire about what you needed and wanted, so that you would feel like you mattered. When no one asked you enough, you learned that your needs and preferences were irrelevant.
Growing up you most likely had problems with school, with siblings and with friends. What you needed was to know that you could talk to and lean on a parent, but instead you knew that they, for whatever reason, could not handle it. So what you learned was that talking about problems will unnecessarily burden other people.
All humans cry, and for good reason. Crying is a way to release and process your emotions. As a child, you cried (maybe often). What you needed was for it to be okay. Instead, your family didn’t know the purpose of crying, so they ignored your tears, or shamed you for having them. Perhaps they never showed tears themselves. You learned that crying is negative and should be avoided.
Were you judged for showing feelings in your childhood home? “Hide your emotions from others” is the message, “or others will think less of you.” Or worse, they will use your feelings against you. You learned that others will judge you for showing your feelings.
As a child, of course you often felt angry, as this feeling is a natural part of life. As a child, what you needed was help to name, understand, and manage your anger. Perhaps instead your anger was squelched or overwhelmed by another’s. Maybe you were punished for showing it. What you learned was that anger is bad and it should be avoided.
Children need help and assistance, period. So do adolescents and adults. As a child, you needed support, direction, suggestions, and assistance. But you could see that your parents were not up to that. What you learned was that it is best not to ask for help. You learned that relying on others is setting yourself up for disappointment.
As a young child, you had endless wonder at the world around you. As you grew, you had endless things that you wanted and needed to ask and say. Yet talking was not valued in your family, and you were not asked or listened to enough. What you learned is that your voice is not valued and that others are not interested in what you have to say.
As a child, you needed to feel that an adult had your back; that no matter what happened there was support and help for you. Instead, when you needed something you discovered that your adult(s) were busy, overwhelmed, or unaware. You were given the message that you are alone in the world.
These covert messages and guiding principles appear so real and so true when you grew up receiving them in such a subliminal, global way. But do not forget that they are merely lessons of your family, not truths. The fact that you learned them does not make them right or true.
THE TRUTH IS:
That strong feelings connect us to ourselves and to each other, and that being able to have them is a sign of health and strength. That knowing your own needs and preferences and expressing them is a key to living a happy and fulfilled life. That talking about your problems helps you to solve them and get into action. That crying is a healthy way of coping. That letting others see your feelings allows you to truly connect with them and let them in. That anger is an important message that empowers you. That mutual dependence is a form of teamwork that makes you stronger. That what you have to say is important and you should say it. And last but not least, that you are human. You are connected. You are important, and you are not, by any stretch, alone.